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Usage Guidelines
I am sorry to report that in my
workplace there are other men who have less than perfect aim when it
comes to using the urinal. By the end of the day, there's a puddle
on the floor. Finally, I made this sign and hung it above the
urinal. It was such a hit that I decided to post it here. Maybe you
need one for your workplace?
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Signs
A few street signs, as well as signs for pubs that
might be interesting to visit. Care for a pint?
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Fun With Ken Lay
What's Ken Lay been up to?
Where has he been? We dig up the dirt... and if we can't find any,
we'll manufacture it!
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Alternative Christmas
Songbook
Sometimes, without warning, (and especially
during the holidays) I'll just break into song. This generally
isn't so bad , except that I tend to make up my own lyrics.
Try these during your next round of Christmas Carols and you'll be
sure to get a reaction (of some sort) from the neighbors.
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Cremiser
But of course. You're looking for an economical way to get
buried, and a pine casket just won't do. Why not a budget
cremation service? Why not? Huh? Because it's tasteless? Okay,
then! Though, personally, I think Tupperware should look into
marketing the EconoUrn. Keeps ashes fresh for decades...
yum!
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Victor's Secret
I'm not sure what is more disturbing -- the fact that I did
this at all or that I had to stare at pictures of men in underwear
for an hour for inspiration. Lucky for you, I actually took the
high road on this one. The alternative was to do something named
"Victoria's Secretions."
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Drano SnotsAway
If you pay attention, you'll notice something interesting.
Chevrolet is no longer a car, it's a brand.
Likewise, companies are extending of their brands -- which is why
after years of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups we suddenly have Reese's
Peanut Butter. This ad was inspired by ads for a new
nasal spray named Nasalcrom. I thought, "What a stupid
name! Why not a descriptive name like BoogerGone
or SnotsAway?"
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Ford Explosion
Ford recently introduced the Excursion, reputedly the largest Sport Utility Vehicle
on the planet. If this trend continues, SUVs like the Explosion aren't too far from being
introduced. Have you ever noticed how Ford names all their SUVs starting with
"Ex"? (Explorer, Expedition, Excursion). I'll admit it -- the list of
"other" Ford trucks is practically the whole reason for the ad.
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Vitriolata
I guess I've seen one too many cubicles with Desiderata ("Go placidly among
the noise and haste...") hanging proudly on the wall. Hang a copy of Vitriolata in
your cube and all those visitors expecting the peaceful sentiments of Desiderata will get
the real message: "Go away!"
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Total Buzzword Management
What buzzwords are they using at your company these days? Productivity, Total
Quality Management, Empowerment, Kaizen, Reengineering, or something else? It occurs to me
that there must be a place to which your management goes to find out what buzzword to use
next. Here it is -- Buzzword Management Concepts!
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STARvation
The ultimate diet plan, inspired by the pictures of corpse models at DiStefano Productions. Many thanks to
them for letting me use the photos. (By the way, you can buy corpse models, body parts, or
a book on how to make your own at the DiStefano site). This is a sure-fire way to take off
the weight and keep it off... permanently.
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Claregra
The drug Claregra (rhymes with Allegra) isn't funny on it's own, but it's side
effects are. Perhaps you have noticed the real advertisements for medications where you
have one page telling you how wonderful they are, and a whole other page telling you the
awful things that might happen to you if you take it. (Yes, I know it's the law).
Claregra has great benefits, but also commensurate side effects.
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Doctor Jack Kevorkian
Recommends Viagra
I'll preface this by admitting that this is in extremely poor taste. That said, it
is also, in my humble opinion, damned funny (and probably the nicest looking parody I've
produced to date). Yes, it's the inevitable Viagra parody, but with a twist that I don't
think anyone has stumbled upon yet. Think of the marketing possibilities!.
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Helicoptrix News
One of my few non-computer related items. I created this newsletter from a
fictional aerospace company in order to vent about corporate life. My favorite is the one
about the cancellation of company safety programs, since "fatal accidents are cheaper
for the company than those where people are injured and have to undergo
rehabilitation."
